WELCOME
Just so you know, in THE FUTURE websites are kind of stupid. In fact they don’t even exist anymore. They’re like fax machines and cell phones: antiques. Oh wait, you’re reading this in 2006, huh? Okay so cell phones aren’t antiques to you yet. How funny. You’ve got a lot to learn, buster. Cell phones, those things were fucking funny. Like websites. Anyway, y
ou’re still in that time when people put up cute li’l websites of everything they were doing and what they were into and since the technology of Tomorrow isn’t available to you Today, we’ll speak to you in your language: on a website!
So, yeah, this THE FUTURE website. It’s kind of embarrassing, really. Or maybe it’s not? I can’t even remember what a good website in 2006 even looked like. Or was there even such a thing? A good website? I seem to remember them being all a bit slapdash. Remember station wagons? That’s kind of how we in THE FUTURE look at websites and cell phones and all that “technology” you’re so fond of: they’re like station wagons. (Incidentally, even today…today in THE FUTURE…not your today…Canadians still drive station wagons. HAHA! The Canadians have been steadily going back in time for—for as long as we can remember. It’s weird, it’s like an undertow: they’re being dragged out to the sea of the Past. They do documentaries on them all the time because they’re like a lost civilization much like Australia which was swallowed up long ago—actually, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.)
Some of THE FUTURE staff, regrettably, is still stationed here in the Present because someone has to prepare you people for THE FUTURE. We drew straws (some things do remain the same) and these are the guys that lost. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. THE FUTURE must be protected and you must be cleansed before we even think about allowing you to approach. We can’t have you the way you are right now, so they’re here to ensure that you stroll into THE FUTURE standing tall and erect with a functioning brain in your skull and not dragging your knuckles through the dirt jabbering nonsense like a goddamn monkey.
So until THE FUTURE arrives this is how we will communicate with you and prepare you for Tomorrow. Check back often to find out what we say you did and to hear about what we said you were. Because remember, your Tomorrow is our last week.
FUTURE FEATURES
The Portland Frank
It's called “The Portland Frank,” but like the Cleveland Steamer you don't have to be in the town it was named after to perform one. Portland is just where I invented it.. 
read more
Zach Galafanakis
read more